I officially have ADD
Thats right people, i have a disorder that prevents me from focusing on my tasks, preoccupies all my free time, and ultimately distracts me from what I need to do. It is hard enough to sit down and write a paper on the mitral valve without having ADD making it near impossible. Why if it wasnt for ADD I would be a astronaut by now!
Fortunately, having ADD has never been so fun! AfterDoomsDay.com has absorbed my life for the past month and it will continue satisfying my need for leveling up, finding items, attacking enemies, and running with a clan for a very long time. Built from scratch by two dedicated coders, ADD boasts a diverse world of post apocolyptic mayhem right in your very browser. There is no need to save your game or be at your home computer, you can play ADD from work, phone, or your buddies laptop.
ADD is a unique entry into the dense market of browser based MMORPG’s. Youfirst register, then create a character, upload an avatar, personalize your profile, then head out into the game and be who ever you want to be! Lively forums allow for community intergration and always fun flame wars (just keep it out of the bugs/help section…the moderator is a dick!). The game has a goal of basic survival: level up and increase your stats to survive. Everyday you are given free money and items to help you along, all you have to do is vote.
The game is free to play and will always be free. You have the option to purchase game packs to increase your refresh times and bank interest everyday. Personally, that is the way I play these games as it offers you the fastest way to get ahead. Considering you will spend 50 dollars on a game for PC/console only o play it for a month, the few dollars they charge for a game pack is quite the money saving proposition!
If you are a big computer user or even just someone who signs on a few times a day, check this game out. Its got original graphics and a very active user base who will gladly help you through the steps. My name in the game is Acolyte, so look me up and let me know you are an eyunta fan! Ill toss you a few items to help you get started!
Healthy Living Through Stenchy Beefs!
I take part in a childhood obesity clinic in which I meet with a child twice a week to lower their body mass and indoctrinate positive outlook towards fitness. This would all be great if I wasnt a lazy bullshit artist who signed up for the clinic initially to get out of 2 other classes! While preaching the virtues of healthy eating and daily exercise I was munching down a steady diet of bacon flavoured pringles and bags of ‘’beef nuggets'’. The most exercise I had participated in recently was jumping up screaming at my computer monitor after a particularly nasty frag. Then all of a sudden, i felt like a hypocritical douche bag who could talk the talk but was full of shit when it came down to doing it. Thats when I enacted the “Tibs Mega Power Ultimate Fiber Diet Spectacular!”
So here is the diet that has revolutionized stenchyness and increased turds by 12 fold. Every morning I like to start the day out with a nice creamy bowl of steel cut oats. I like to marinate those oats in a rice/soy milk mixture then cook em hot N fresh! I usually gulp down this pasty mess as I am driving recklessly to one of my many monotonous morning classes. I find that by eating a bowl of oats in the morn that approximately 1 hour later your friend Senor Logg comes a knocking. Make sure to let him out or else sever abdominal cramps will follow!
For lunch I like to keep it simple: brown rice and beans. A nice steamy helping of the BR can go a long way in the fiber quotient. In fact, you may be blasting out stenchers before you even finish the bowl! The beans complete the protein, but more importantly that add the special tartness that can only be appreciated after blasting a beef at full volume in the library. When heads start turning and the waft overwhelms the air, you can feel safe and assured that your beefs are well balanced and MEGA STENCHY.
For dinner I like to keep it simple: broccoli. Yes everyones favorite stenchy veggie. It is in fact so very stenchy, it smells like farts as it is cooking! Ill take a few heads of those, steam em up to perfection, than slather them in some sort of sauce. Moments later I make a run for the bathroom as the contents of my colon must evacuate as if there was a fire drill in my guts! If you wanna add some much needed spice, throw some cauliflower into the mix for that extra special zang!
So here is the basic equation for beef success: beans + brown rice +brox +oats= eye watering farts and bowel tearing BM’s that have the urgency of an ambulance carrying a dying patient! A few downfalls come with this diet however and they are as follows:
- I still get these sideways logs that feel like I am about to give birth to a camel out of my ass! And of course, they happen right as I am ABOUT to leave my house to get to school on time!
- Constant beefs. I mean they never stop. I will be walking down the hall and all of a sudden my speed will pick up dramatically as if I had a fan on my back! Sometimes in class I think im leaking a squeeker when all of a sudden I let out a cascade of sinus shattering beefers. Remember, always blame it on the fat kid.
- Your significant other may not enjoy the smell of your farts as much as you. In fact, they may start wearing a gas mask when sleeping next to you.
- When your pants start turning a shade of green, you know its time to cut back on the brox. Usually a few days of eating cauliflower will white out the stench-stains.
So use it at your own risk! I promise great results in the bathroom, however replacing your underwear every week may be a budget constraint. Good luck to you and happy loggings!
Tire Rolling
So around the time a young, semi independent Tibs was living in the Banker’s Hill section of San Diego, he had a situation. The situation involved Eileen, my 1977 Buick LeSabre. This lumbering behemoth of steel and velour had itself a big old flat tire. The spare was flat as well it seemed, so Tibs was faced with a dilemma of getting the tire to a repair shop to get it fixed. For most normal people, this would not be much of a concern: take it to the closest automotive repair center and have them patch it. For a young Tibs who had recently lost his mind after breaking up with his girlfriend, it turned into a daunting all day affair involving a 2 mile trip and several knocked over garbage cans.
I had about 12 dollars to my name at this time. My shitty job working at Border’s came to a “unfortunate” end and I had spent the last of my dollar bills on some Carne Asada fries at Papas n Tacos. So i loaded up my pockets full of about 8 pounds of change and sauntered over to the Buick to remove the tire. Once it was removed, I was faced with the mind boggling situation people live in fear of having to make: Where can I get my tire fixed?. Now, about 100 ft down the road STARING at me in the face was a car shop. Next to it was another. Then there were the several other car shops just down the road. I however employed logic usually only designated to mentally retarded adults and dwarfs with learning disorders, I decided to travel downtown to the tire shop located in a very busy area of the city. Let us break down the logistics of this trip:
- From point A to point B it was roughly 2 miles.
- The trip was down a VERY steep hill most of the trip and then up a very steep hill at the end of the trip.
- The path would take me through the business district during the lunch hour of most normal working people.
- The tire had incredibly heavy rims that must have weighed at least 40 pounds.
- My pants were sagging from the 8 pounds of loose change i used to pay for the tire
- The road was slicked form the previous nights rain
- I would be ROLLING the tire, not taking a cab.
- THERE WAS A FUCKING CAR REPAIR SHOP DOWN THE ROAD!
So I decided to roll the damn tire down the hill and take it to the tire place. It was roughly 10AM on a gloomy day post a big rain the night before. My pockets jingling with change and sagging due to the sheer weight of the coin (mostly nickles) I began the slow, controlled roll down the block. At first it was grueling and slow moving as I had to eccentrically control the tire from slipping away. Then I got the great idea that hey, I could just roll it and jog besides it like a little kid with a hoop and stick! Now there is a plan that CANT fail! So now imagine a 20 something, jew-fro having, glasses wearing, saggy pants wearing, coin jingling man jogging down the street half bent over rolling a massive tire down the hill. I even saw a few bums snickering at me from the safety of their urine soaked cardboard boxes!
This plan was actually working well…until the slope began to increase and the tires acceleration increased exponentially. This point in the hill also coincided with the greatest density of people outside of their cars/homes/business. Lets take a look at a simple mathematical equation here to explain what happens next. If you take the slope of the hill and multiply it by the radius of the tire x its weight THEN subtract the coefficient of friction from the slippery road you will get the value of the moving tire. According to Slautzburg’s 5th law of Incompetence: A rolling object will move faster than the out of shape dork chasing it. Therefore the answer to this equation is that the tire took the fuck off and I ended up slipping on the wet cement only to watch the tire rocket down 5th avenue AGAINST traffic. Onlookers stood in shear amazement as I began to scramble at it with little to no concern for my own health as I had to race into traffic and haul the tire out of the oncoming traffic after it slammed into a telephone pole across the street.
At this point I was about halfway there and there was no turning back. I picked up the tire again and began what would be a series of short controlled rolls followed by the inevitable crash into a set of garbage cans, wall of a building, or the occasional crusty homeless man. Eventually the hill petered out and I began the overwhelming task of now rolling the tire up A st. to the tire shop. this 1/2 mile uphill cruise took me about an hour as every time i tried to roll it up, it rolled back half the distance. Eventually i made it the tire shop, beaten, fatigued, and coated in sidewalk scum from my fall. The man at the shop fixed the tire for 10 dollars and sent me on my way. The way home I ended up taking the trolley halfway back before rolling the last mile UP THE HILL again! I ended up stopping to sit almost every block, a mixture of sulking and anger that my ex -gf wasnt around to drive my ass around! WELL I SHOWED HER DIDNT I!!!!!!!!!!!!
So that is the story of a young, stupid, stubborn, determined, asinine man who rolled a tire out of his way just to prove his independence. Or maybe he did it because he was an asshole and just didnt think to go to the car shop across the street. Either case, he had a hell of a fro going!
Zeytuna: A New Year’s Eve Review
This year the entire Eyunta board of directors headed out into the mystical seas of Manhattan and cruised into the New Year. We were all dressed to the the nines, with Sassy sporting his new “20’s gangsta look” and I was trying the latest in “Hasidic Jew” fashions. Taking the Circle Line cruise out of pier 17 next to South Street Seaport, we were prepared for another cluster of drunken retards beating each other to death to get a drink at the overly crowded bar. Well we were pleasantly surprised by this endeavor, and here is the official Eyunta.com review of the evenings festivities.
Ambience 8/10
Getting on line exactly one half of an hour before the ship opened was a very smart thing. Camping at the exact docking area of the ship, we were ensured a perfectly cromulent spot upstairs and far away from the speakers. That meant no fighting for seats, no pushing elbows with smelly drunks, just perfect comfort and chill-maxin to the extreme. The views were fantastic, taking us around Manhattan Island and pausing at major landmarks like the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn bridge. we also watched a midnight fireworks show as the ship stopped and that was very enjoyable. The ship was clean as were the bathrooms, and because they did not oversell the ship, you could actually walk from one destination to another! As for hot chicks, the average demographic was around 45 so it was not the place to pick up woman. The single woman who did attend however were EXTREMELY HORNY though, and you could feel their eyes burning a hole in your nads as you walked.
Food 8/10
Plenty of food was made available and even servers came to your table and dropped off the tasty droppings for your pleasure. The glut of food was nice to see, because last year the “gourmet food” was provided by a bag of tostitos and some drippy salsa. Here on the ship we had Cisco’s finest array of prepared foods ands dips. Thankfully, the crew ate at Les Halles Brassiere before we came so we did not have to ingest these preordained meats. Deserts were pretty zesty, however they set up a strobe light directly behind the table of food which caused seizure like symptoms while attempting to choose the food! I thought I was grabbing an eclair but it turned out to be a chicks boob instead! It was the lights fault!!!!!
Music 5/10
Well here is the only problem I really encountered. DJ Spasmodic definitely was affected by the strobing lights behind the desert table because he kept abruptly changing the records every 30 seconds or so. Every time you got into a track you would be rapidly thrown into a megamix of Celine Dion and ABBA. I believe he only played 3 songs in their entirety: Living on A Prayer, Don’t Stop Believing, and Motownphilly by B2M. As for the midnight countdown, he was off by a full minute. He was counting down while on the TV’s they were singing ” Auld Lang Syne”. Dancing was sporadic as one began to groove and then was instantly thrust into grinding then blasted into slow dancing. The result was horrific, as 32 of the passengers ended up grinding when they should have grooved and ruptured several internal organs.
Drinks 9/10
Hey Now, this is what we are talking about Patron, Grey Goose, Tanqueray…you name they had it and it was all included in the ticket cost!. No lines to get a drink, you could just walk up and grab N glorp. Last year at the park, one actually needed to cattle prod 45 people out of the way to make it to the bar where 4 bartenders were attempting to serve a ravenous crowd of well over 1000!!!! Good luck trying to get your drinks out, half of it was on your crotch and the other half evaporated from the body heat of the crowd when you tried to sneak back out. Anyway, the cruise provided some nice Champagne, and easy to get drinks that made the cruise a pleasure. They actually followed through on their all you can drink promise.
Overall Grade B
For the ticket price of 180$, you got a 3 hour cruise, all you can drink and eat, a fireworks show, terrible music, and a fun filled evening on a semi stable surface! Not a single backwards hat or tank yop in sight, this was a more mature and discerning crowd and certainly IMO a better crowd. The board of directors was so happy, we offered to sponsor next years event. They even put our banner up on their street side ticket booth, although there was a slight misspelling….. Anyways, have a superb New year from everyone here at Eyunta.com and its subsidiaries : “Zeytuna”
Merry Xmas
Merry Christmas to all you nose pickers and dorks out there!
Larry Pierce: A Filthy Man with A Heart of Gold
Some of you Stern fans out there may have heard of Larry Pierce, the dirty country singer and star of the recent documentary “Dirty Country”. He is an unassuming factory worker from Indiana whom on his spare time would write and perform explicit songs for his friends. His prolific career has spanned over 14 albums and has been published on the label Laughing Hyena for years. Distribution was primarily at truck stops where lucky people would stumble across the tapes. Truckers love him, Stern Show fans love him, and now America is loving him with his latest live performance tour. Me and a few Gruntayites were lucky enough to catch up with the man/legend recently and listen in on a a rare acoustic set and snap a few pix.
3 Thang’s
ONE:
Apparently I should be in Mensa. I took this test and got a score of 139 after taking it once.. Start the timer (only shows up in IE I believe) and answer the 13 questions and see where you fall. Unless the guys in Mensa amuse themselves by farting on their girlfriends or listening to Howard Stern show replays all day, i don’t think I would fit in!
TWO:
BLARG!!!!!!!!!!!
Three:
Play this flash game: Turn up volume a bit, press space to fart, left arrow for SBD (you have a limit). Dont let your meter go red. My high score is 8,920.
Flash Games: The New Crack
So I figured I needed to focus on life more so I disassembled my desktop rig in order to clear space in my desk. The plan was to use the laptop for email and word processing and such. Well I managed to botch that plan to all shit when I discovered this website Addicting Games. In a matter of two pathetic weeks I went from straight A honor student of he millenium to crusty barancle boy not fit to file down your corns. Since misery needs company, perhaps I can influence you freaks with a couple of my time burglaring favorites!
Tower Defense games:
The basic concept is simple: Set up attack towers to eliminate “the creeps” who will follow a set path. Upgrade your towers and advance your technology to thwart the ever increasing forces.
Bloons Tower Defense
Ant Buster
Flash Element TD
Escape the _____ games
These games are a tribute to the old graphical adventures of Sierra. In these games you basically click around the screen finding various items and solving puzzles. The basic strategy is applied to a number of settings and while only playable once, they are very fufilling. 
Escape: The Car
Escape 2: The ClosetI apologize for this cracked out layout. Fuck this bullshit HTML editor!
Hospitals: A Place for Sputum
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So Uncle Tibs has been immersed into the fantastic world of healthcare for the past 8 weeks at the local trauma hospital. As a physical therapist your job is to grab people from their comfortable bed and take them on death marches so you can discharge them quicker. I have been exposed to more disgusting sights, putrid smells, and puke churning sounds in the past months then all the years I spent as a urine cake tester back in Idaho! Let me throw together a quick list of my fave moments for all you creeps out there to drop your gaws at and perhaps even blast a dookie over. |
Number 1: People have smelly, smelly asses.
In case you didnt know, your ass reeks. Now complicate that matter even further by considering some of these patients lack the capacity to wipe there own asses. Add in the fact that the staff is too fucking lazy to shower these people and you end up with the most foul, vomit inducing stenches you have ever experienced. One memorable occasion involved Dr. Tibs having to lift a non-weight bearing patient from a bed to a chair. The patients neck collar was crusted over in week old hospital quality beef stroganoff, his hospital gown soaked through with urine. I took a deep breath and with all my strength hurled this orthopedic nightmare from bed to chair. Unfortunately during the transfer I opened my nares and took a deep whiff of what would instantly begin to gag me. Suprressing my body’s natural instinct to let loose chunks all over this patients unwashed hair, I fought hard and planted him in the chair before streaking out of the room and hiding in the stairwell until I regained composure. Worst Smell Ever.
Number 2: Old People Like to Show Their Genitals
Any aspect oof modesty goes out the window the second you enter the hospital. you are forced to wear backless hospital gowns, be supervised while pooping, and eat your meals off of silly little green trays. You would think most people would hold on to any control over their lives by at the very least asking for an extra gown or putting on underpants. Yet 9 times out of 10 I walk into a shitstorm of wrinkles and labia. Thats right, 78 year old woman with their legs resting comfortably apart blissfully unawatre that i just walked into a mucuosy nightmare! Worse was when I subtly pulled her gown down she would just hike it up and expose her massive, blubbery, bone white thighs for my viewing horror! Who can forget the 45 year old man who sat in his recliner with his gown wide open and his balls literally hanging out for full view of everyone who enters the room!!! Most memorable was the 80 year old man who looked and sounded like Uncle Vito from Viva Bam literally pulling his gown up to expose his grapefruit sized balls with a relatively teensy weener…Aye Carumba!!!
Number 3: Everything Sounds Gross
Whether it is a woman coughing globs of orange mucous in your face or the incessant beeping of the IV machines, the hospital will drive you insane with various sounds. You cannot walk past a room without hearing someone sounding like they are having their legs amputated from the moans they are making. Worst of all are the patients who have suction similar to the kind your dentist uses, except here they collect the sputum in a jar above the patients head. All you can hear are fragments of garbled words inbetween disgusting glorping sounds as the suction head gulps down huge blasts of mucous. Cough, suck, gurgle, repeat! Get me the hell out of here!!!
So there you have it, a insiders glimpse into the horrors of a hospital. It ain’t all bad though, you get free crackers , you can stare at the occasional hot nurse, and everyone thinks you are important because of your labcoat. Everything considered, I am glad to get the hell out of there. At least I get to watch an amputation up close next to the surgeon tomorrow! Maybe he will let me hold the saw…